Good Contribution Good Contribution
1) Humour
"A Blonde And The Alligator Shoes"
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with
the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the
blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable
price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe
you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps,
set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he
spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water,
shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator
swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the
creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the
swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the
dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the
blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts
out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes
either!"
From tamil forum,
Wrong Mail
An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a
vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and
was planning
to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel,
he decided
to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap
of paper on
which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type
it in
from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his
note was
directed instead to a young woman whose husband had passed
away only
the day before. When the grieving lady checked her e-mail, she
took one
look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the
floor in
a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and
saw this
note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
YOUR LOVING HUSBAND
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE
From,Aziz
Times Are Bad
A NUS graduate found himself difficult to get a job
here.
He finally accepted the offer to work with Mandai Zoo.
"What can we do now? it's better to work like this
than nothing to
earn...", mumbling himself.
So since that day, the IT grad working to act as monkey.
He has to wear monkey suit and mask, chew nuts and eat
bananas.
He has to climb trees too and jump from one to another to
attract
visitors.
Short story, the zoo has then enjoy tremendous increase of
visitors.
Even the SM Lee wants to see the super 'smart' monkey in
the world....
(of course what!!....who can beat NUS grad?
Unfortunately, one day when he was jumping from the trees..
he fell
down into a crocodile pool...!!
"Oh my God....I'm dying... now" he thought, as a
'hungry looking'
crocodile swim steadily towards his directions...
In the middle of his struggle, suddenly he heard a soft
voice,
"Don't be afraid my friend... I'm from NTU".
From msa,
Do you remember
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things,
so they
decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure
nothing
was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor`s, they explained to the doctor
about
the problems they were having with their memory. After checking
the
couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay
but
might want to start writing things down and make notes to help
them
remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while
watching
TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where
are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you
get me a bowl of ice
cream?"
He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don`t you
think you should write
it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on
top. You
had better write that down because I know you`ll forget
that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream
with
strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I
know you
will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don`t need to
write that down!
I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her
a plate
of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I
TOLD you to
write it down! You forgot my toast!"
From tamil forum,
Exercise, don't need
Ever thought of signing up for aerobics or a crash slimming
course
or buying a machine to get into shape, DON'T !
Actually, there's no need since most of us, white-collar
workers do plenty of exercises in office.
Did you know that ? Here's why:
NOTICE Our company employees don't need physical fitness
programmes.Why
Everyone gets enough exercise from
Jumping to conclusions,
Flying off the handle,
Beating around the bush,
Running down the boss,
Going around in circles,
Dragging their feet,
Dodging responsibility,
Passing the buck,
Climbing the ladder,
Wading through paperwork,
Pulling strings,
Throwing their weight around,
Stretching the truth,
Bending the rules,
And pushing their luck!
From msa,
Lewhisky
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President).
The waiter ask " le apperitive?"
All of them answer "oui!"
The waiter looks at Zedillo "Le tequila?"
Zedillo: "oui!"
The waiter looks at Yeltsin "Le vodka?"
Yeltsin: "oui!"
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton " Le
whisky?"
Clinton: "DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH !!!"
From msa,
Jokes
"Your cow just got into my field and ate up all my
vegetables"
"All right, I'd send you over half a kilo milk!"
Father: "And you think you will be able to give my
daughter all that she
wants?" Suitor: "Yes, sir, she says she only wants
me."
"I've come to ask for your daughter's hand."
"You'll have to take all of her or there's no deal!"
When the doctor warned him that alcohol is a slow
poison, he answered,
"That's okay, I'm in no hurry!"
"So you're lost, little man?Why didn't you hang on to
your mother's
skirt?"
Youngster : "couldn't reach it."
The difference between a man and a woman is that , a man will
pay two
rupees for a one rupee item he wants, while a woman will pay one
rupee
for a two rupee item she doesn't want.
"Where did the car hit him ?" asked the
prosecution counsel.
"At the junction of the dorsal and the cervical
vertebrae," replied the
witness.
"My God," exclaimed the counsel, "I have lived in
this town for twenty
years and I never heard of such a place."
"Yes, I can give you this job. You can gather the apples
for me in the
garden if you are sure you won't take any."
"You can trust me, sir," replied the applicant. "I
was manager of a
bath-house for ten years and never took a bath."
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barber shop.
They were
both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were
reaching
for some after shave to slap on their faces.
The Admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My
wife will think
I've been in a whorehouse!"
The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put
it on. My
wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells
like."
Wife: "You men are helpless, what would you do if
there were no women
to sew on your buttons for you?"
Husband: "Had it ever occurred to you that if there were no
women, men
would have no use for buttons.
"Darling, how many times a day do you shave?"
"Twenty or thirty."
"Are you crazy?"
"No, I'm a barber."
A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar.
After gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and
asks,
tentatively, "Um, is this seat taken?" She responds by
yelling, at the
top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the
bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and
completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a
few
minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles
at him
and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate
student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top
of his lungs,
"What do you mean $200?"
A Toast for the wedding day
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I
express
an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and
frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving
you the
inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the
population.
A TOAST: To our wives and lovers . . . may they never meet!
Masti mujhe pasand nahin hain (I don't like fun)
Once Mr. X was slapped by his friend. Mr. X asked him whether he
slapped
him seriously or just for fun. His friend replied ``I was
serious''.
Mr. X told ``Then it's O.K. I don't like people making fun of
me''
From msa,
Vacuum cleaner
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first
house in his new territory He knocks, a real mean and
tough looking lady opens the door,and before she has a
chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow
patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders
cleaning up that horse manure, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup
on that?" the tough lady responds.Salesman says,"why do
you ask?"
She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the
electricity turned
on yet."
From msa,
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